Sunday, December 29, 2013


Whoever said, “hard work builds character” may have been a genius…

The work I did today, I did the hard way…rake, shovel, and bucket.
I quickly appreciated that I was able to do it. I have two strong arms, one good shoulder, one good knee, and a pretty good back.
I have always believed in working smarter not harder (funny since I never educated myself), but today I buckled down and did something hard for a few hours.
I’m not sure anyone of you could tell what I did unless you have been here recently, hell I don’t think before and after pics would have made you understand (besides I have no camera right now)….but for those that have been here recently and for me, the difference is easily seen.
I had to be careful not to look around too much or I would start seeing all the work that is still to be done. I also had to be careful not to think too much because my mind can be a dark and scary place at times.

I still have a long way to go, but what I did today did make a difference…for me.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Looking ahead...

“The only constant in life is change…”
I don’t know who said this but he’s a genius. Life is not static it is dynamic even if you don’t lead a dynamic life. For me and my mediocre life, change has come once again. My second marriage has failed or rather I failed at my second marriage and now I am looking at a life alone.

Personally I have wasted years looking behind me and focusing on my regrets, now I am forced to look ahead and stop running on ‘auto-pilot’, only because I am not ready to lie down and surrender just yet.

What’s next for me? As Ned Stark reminds us, “Winter is coming!” My plan is to snuggle in for the winter, work my 2 jobs, hang out with my dogs (and cats) while I do some soul searching.

What does the next chapter of my life look like?
Do I sell my home?
Do I quit the jobs I hate and walk the Appalachian Trail like Yo-yo Wilson?
Do I hike around the world? Visit friends in Costa Rica?
Maybe move to Alaska and lose myself in a vast wilderness (while one still exists)?
Perhaps I will enact my plans for world domination or locate the secret island of red haired bombshells who long for older, portly, bald men.

I guess my life is still full of possibilities. The question then becomes will I continue to fail to take advantage of them? Will I live or merely exist?

Thursday, November 21, 2013

A dream remembered….

Recently I was sitting at TRF with an ailing friend, watching a show and enjoying the performers when I was struck with the return of a high school day dream (no Heather not that one it was answered later in life) of how I wanted my life to go. Watching these bawdy performers I remembered wanting that life, a life of fun, a life free of drudgery and mind numbing minutia.

Some would caution that the bohemian lifestyle isn't likely to be lucrative. To them I counter neither is my current, mediocre lifestyle. Can you imagine a work comprised of jokes (mostly bawdy), songs, and laughter?
I used to imagine it often as it was one of my favorite daydreams (right next to that other one, Khristie). When did I stop picturing that life for me? I have released many dreams that were not responsible, reasonable, or realistic. I consciously let go of those dreams. The imagined joy of a life savored by TRF entertainers was one that simply faded without complaint or notice.

So as I smile and laugh while enjoying Sound and Fury’s performance of “Testiceles and the Sac of Rome” in the Shakespearean style, I may not just be smiling at their antics, but also at a dream remembered.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Recently I wanted to revamp my Bucket List, so I searched Pinterest for ideas and inspirations to add to my new and improved Bucket List. What I found was a bunch of lists for seasonal activities i.e. “My Summer Bucket List”. This did not strike me as a good way to express one’s aspirations for their achievements prior to their death. Apparently the Bucket List has become a to do list for one’s vacation.

Not being satisfied with this I reexamined my list and attempted a deeper, more thoughtful approach, so gone are the superficial, selfish, and materialistic goals from my End of Life List.

My endeavors shall include:
• To live honestly ( not so easy sometimes)
• To give my best effort to all tasks at hand (not just the effort I think they deserve…do my best in all things)
• To raise a child (or 30) in the manner I would want to be raised (done)
• To find redeeming qualities in all areas of my life (Personal, Social, Career, etc…)
• To give of myself to those in need (my time, my money, and even my blood)
• To get a tattoo (selfish I know)

Have I altered what maybe on your End of Life List??? Please share with me…

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

When we're done muddling...

Recently a co-worker of mine passed away. While we did not work side by side, her job allowed for some interaction with my position. She was always a pleasant enough person and I liked her. For us at work her death was sudden and unexpected, I cannot speculate if her family knew of her pending demise. I arrived at work one Friday to hear that she had passed that Wednesday and there would be a memorial for her at work on Saturday.

I did not attend her memorial, but rather chose to watch the dorm and allow other co-workers to attend with the residents that wanted to go. Afterwards I listened as others spoke of her and as days passed I noticed a sad fact of life. It did not change significantly for most everyone there. I can assume life changed for her family, but for apparently everyone else it just went on. It took maybe three days for people to stop even mentioning her passing.

The sad realization is that, while we may want or envision crowds of mourners wailing, keening, and sobbing; forever saddened by our passing, very few will most likely be affected by our death. They may say, it wasn’t his time, he was taken too early, or she will be missed, but very little will change in any measurable way. We are transient beings destined to die from the moment of birth, filling the time between with paying bills and worrying what someone else may think of us.

When my time comes to shuffle off this mortal coil I now know that those closest to me will mourn, working through those five steps in their own time and manner, but the rest of the world will barely notice my absence. That realization helps me put in perspective whom I should be concerned with while I am still among the living.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A heart felt thank you…

As I muddle through life important moments and/or feelings come and go (as in all your lives too, I hope).  I recently realized that I am guilty of letting important things go unsaid. I guess some part of me believes that everyone involved knows how I feel in these moments. I also must admit that I wonder if calling attention to it somehow cheapens the experience.

Be that as it may, I want to say thank you. 

These past few years have been rough on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I am tired and exhausted, facing burnout from having two jobs, staring into a dark world of depression, or questioning my relevance in this life I have always found solace in time spent with YOU.

Whether you and I share comments on a funny meme, flirt outrageously, or instant message lamenting the state of our country our interactions have served to lighten my mood. In you, I have found moments that make me smile and chase the clouds from the sky. Even if I am dealing with depressive issues, overwhelming feelings of powerlessness, or a zit in an unfortunate location you have seen me through to the other side.

So to you, my friend, that :
·         Shares a funny meme with me
·         Comments on my comment
·         Flirts with me
·         Laughs at my corny jokes
·         ‘pokes’ me over and over again
·         Calls me on my ‘BS’
·         Exposes me to sexy pics
·         Debates the existence of Sasquatch, which does exist!
·         Is sexy and acknowledges my existence
·         Plays the innuendo game with me

·         Shares some of your limited time in this world with me.

Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

Time is running out…

It’s approximately sixteen weeks to my birthday, at which time I will turn forty-five years old. Looking back on the two thousand three hundred and twenty-four weekends I have had I don’t know if I used them well. A small portion of them generated wonderful memories, but many of them were spent working for others, which is never a good way to spend a weekend.

If I take the median age of my parents (80 and 86) I could live to 83 (although my brother passed at 49) giving me approximately 1992 more weekends. I should take ten years of weekends off (-520) because we all know old people spend all weekend the restroom, leaving me with 1472 weekends to make some great memories. Will I squander these weekends the way I have wasted so many in the past?

What should my plan for using these weekends to their fullest potential? For the foreseeable future I will still be working, but maybe I can squeeze some meaning out of the weekends before I go to work. Should I do projects? Should I visit friends and laugh? Should make them all about family? Most likely a combination of all the above would make the most sense.

As I muddle through life, I will attempt to not sleep in on the weekends anymore but to get projects done, enjoy family time, and spend time among friends before going to work. A recent article on fighting depression specifically mentioned keeping social ties strong as opposed to isolating one’s self. Who knows I may just call you, reader, and say, “let’s do lunch or dinner.”

How many weekends do you have left? What’s your plan to spend them wisely?

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Approaching an End…

As I muddle through life it is inevitable that I, like everyone, must face endings in various and sundry things. For example the end of a relationship either via breakup, personal drift, or even death, could be the end of a movie, or the end of a career (or job placement change). No matter whom we are or where we are in life change will happen and with change comes endings.

For me, I see an approaching ending. For the past decade and a half I have been reading a wonderful series of books by Robert Jordan and I recently purchased the fourteenth and final book in that series. Even as I start this book, I know that the end is at hand. Robert Jordan has passed away, one way or another the series will be resolved, and I will no longer be able to peeking on the lives of these characters.
Will I miss them? Yes.
I have missed characters from a book series before.

Will I morn that loss? Perhaps.
In my own way I will grieve for the loss of those relationships. In no way am intending to say that losing a loved one is as mundane as finishing a series of books, similar but of differing intensities.

Will I feel achievement at having completed a series many have abandoned half way through or having read more than 13,000 pages in the process? No.
I do not feel accomplishment like others do; instead I will look back on the ‘journey’ or ‘adventure’ I enjoyed while reading this series.
I am not the same person I was a decade and a half ago.

Whatever becomes of Rand, Mat, Perrin, Elayne, Egwene, Nynaeve, Lan, or Siuan I will miss them as if they were absent friends.

Of course most endings are followed by new beginnings, whom shall I meet next and what adventure will they lead me on?