tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13770436038428448632023-12-22T05:19:02.665-08:00Muddling Through LifeH. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-60980925154109045722023-04-25T10:52:00.003-07:002023-04-26T03:28:00.201-07:00A World of Our Own<p> Yesterday, I read a sweatshirt that said, "You Deserve the World!"</p><p>Do we, really? I mean the idea of some people deserving a world is literally depressing, some people can't manage a house, let alone a world. I don't deserve a world, POS that I am. </p><p>What would I do with a world? Would it be sunshine and verdant fields, unicorns and fairies, women in veils and men in leather and metal astride a horse. Me, in my little forest cabin, friend to all, known throughout the land as a gentle grandfather of sorts?</p><p>Maybe it would dystopian, dark skies and fiery mountains, dragons and great hunting cats, women in hareems and a few men in labor camps in chains. Would I keep myself apart from my minions, alone in my dark keep on the side of a volcano high above the jungle floor? Or would my palace surrounds the only water for miles in the high desert, the fortress "manned" completely by women?</p><p>What sort of world would the likes of me make? Desolate or swampy? Dark or gloomy? Chaotic or quiet?</p><p><br /></p><p>Not everyone deserves a world...</p>H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-56668465573701933982021-06-30T12:49:00.001-07:002021-06-30T12:49:47.241-07:00I have Changed<p><span> </span> <span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Time has an effect on all of us, realizing that effect can be a bit eye opening. Recently my program director in the school district texted me and asked if it would be ok to pass my number on to the Behavior program director, I said, “yes”. For those of you that don’t know I have a long and storied background in behavior management, both in and out of the school district, where I have worked for 20 years now.</span></p><span id="docs-internal-guid-97e3ff2c-7fff-19bd-9ec8-9e249d9783c9"><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Shortly after my number was passed I received a text asking if I would be interested in some extra pay hours this summer, doing what I have had good success at in the past. I responded, “No, Thank you” and then I added, “I am not that guy anymore.” You see, I used to be the guy that stepped up, met the behavioral challenge head on, and enjoyed some success at it. </span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">However, the last ten years have taken their toll on me. At work I am currently working with my fifth supervising teacher and my fourth program director. I currently have a really good team, but that has not always been true. On top of the revolving door at work my personal life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride too...divorce, dating, bad break up, dating, and marriage. The deaths of mom, nephew, and last remaining brother leave me as the sole survivor of my immediate family...I have a niece, a nephew, and my son (and grandkids) left. I have lost friends and coworkers (I have worked two jobs for over 20 years) and extended family to Covid-19, stroke, and cancer.</span></p><br /><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I added the line, “I am not that guy anymore” to my response I realized just how broken I am today. How far I have fallen. What’s that line, “a shadow of my former self.” I am content now to go to work, keep everyone safe, teach a little, and “meet my expectations” but I have no desire to shine. I feel broken, less than whole, and struggling to make it one more day. I’m sure this falls into my well documented depressive cycles, my MDD, and my therapy resistant depression. Whatever the diagnosis, the trauma, or the stressor the results are the same...I have changed, I am no longer that guy, and I am not the hero in this story.</span></p><div><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div></span>H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-13710620668150595412018-05-28T15:17:00.000-07:002018-05-28T15:17:07.398-07:00The passing of a Decade<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">In the light of a full moon<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I see something<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Shuffling<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Shambling<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Lurching<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Should I call out?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Would it be for help,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Or a warning to others?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He stands there <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Just beyond sight, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Shrouded in mystery<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And shadow<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Staring not so much at me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But through me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Beyond me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Past me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The creature turns as if to leave<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The moonlight playing a cross a
grimace<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I see a heavy chain encircles it<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And it is burdened still<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For now I know this thing of<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Time and sorrow<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A frightful being to all<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It is a decade<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Bound and chained <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">to ten years of regret, suffering,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">and broken dreams<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I foolishly raise my hand<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">as if to say, “Goodbye,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Old friend”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I know his kind is always there
watching,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Building their burdens<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">From our missteps and <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Regrets<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Perhaps my next decade <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">will be less frightening<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">less sorrow filled<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">less painful to bare<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">and perhaps he will smile as he
passes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">grateful for a lighter burden.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-87284025560709187732016-01-13T10:54:00.001-08:002016-01-13T10:54:26.616-08:00<span style="font-size: 16pt; line-height: 107%;">2016</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It is a new year, a time to look over and review what is and isn’t working in my life. A time to reflect on where I am and where I want to go.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In 2015, I lost my mom, I added a second job (a goal achieved), reduced my depression medications to zero, and navigated several relationship Tsunamis. All of which could have easily triggered a major depressive episode and none of which I could have endured without several good people in my life. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Knowing I need people, I will attempt to add to the very short list of people in my support circle in 2016.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It is said that to find happiness or meaning in life one can/should belong to something larger than one’s self. Some use career or family to answer this need, but for many it is religion they turn to…or a combination of the three. None of those seem to work for me, I’m not happy/proud of my career path, my family is the most disjointed and disconnected one I know of, and as far as religion is concerned…for me, right now, that is a solitary pursuit between me and God (and contentious at times). </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have devoted myself to one thing larger than myself and while I have found strength and peace there, its foundations have been shaken several times over the past six months, causing undue stress in my life. Things are better now and hopefully will continue that way.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In my life I want…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">More greens and less grains<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">More water and less sodas<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">More moving and less sitting<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">To reconnect with old/lost friends<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">To reaffirm those pillars in my life<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">To reach out to new friends<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-size: 16.0pt;">I recently reread my strategy for 2015 post and it all still holds true so I will just try to continue working on that plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-26650419944752280592015-09-09T04:15:00.002-07:002015-09-09T04:15:19.788-07:00Insignificance<br /><div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recently while
driving a bus, I was struck at how insignificant I am. Choices in my life (or
avoidance of choices) have led me to where I am. If I were not to show up for
my bus-driving shift it would not matter at all, I would not even be missed. I
even believe that if no one replaced me, these young adults would easily find
their way to campus and back without a bus at all. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Feeling so insignificant in this job, I began to think of my
primary job in a local school district working with adult special needs
students in work like environments (my focus is Autism) and sadly I realized
the same held true there as well. Many of my students are not suitable for a
job (more complicated, severe, profound, or unmotivated) and so the program is
ineffectual and meaningless. If I were not present at this job, even if no one
else replaced me, there would be no significant change for these students…or the
world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At my age, many men (and women) search for or hope for their
life’s work to have some meaning. I have written some in this blog about life
purpose and meaning stating that common people are needed to set contrast
against great people.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Feeling insignificant has spilled over in to all areas of my
life from time to time. I cannot think of a single person for whom I am a top
priority, including myself. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I suppose I could console myself with the fact that most of
us lead insignificant lives (or at least have insignificant days). Louis Pasteur, Marie Curie, Albert Einstein,
and Hitler come to mind first when thinking of people who have made lasting
change in this world. Going to work, paying bills, eating healthy, working out,
writing a blog, and cleaning house have no lasting effect on this world, no
meaning. Yet many of us fill our days and our lives with such drivel. I do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Procreating has a lasting effect, the child a person
produces can have a profound effect on the world (positive or negative…I’m
thinking over population). While I have raised children, (many fostered and one
step son) I have chosen to have none of my own. I read a meme recently that
said, <i>“If you do not reproduce you will
be the first organism in your direct line from the beginning of time to do so.”</i>
Well at least I am first at something.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am so common that I will likely die of America’s most
common killers heart disease and/or cancer both prevalent in my immediate
family. Sadly the only thing a person has to do once they are born is die,
everything else is a choice. Looking back it appears I chose poorly.<o:p></o:p></div>
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-37216525898808077872015-08-19T12:19:00.002-07:002015-08-19T12:32:30.600-07:00The Dangers of Grocery Shopping<br />
<br />
Recently I made a quick trip through my hometown on the last Friday of summer. My plan was to see mom, family, and maybe a friend or two. I chose not to call ahead because mom always makes such a fuss when I come to town, that choice meant I didn’t get to see mom as she was off with her friend for their Friday adventures. I did get to see and briefly visit with my nephew and a longtime friend.<br />
<br />
At one point in my whirlwind tour of Kerrville, Texas I was obliged to stop at the local grocery store, HEB, where my shopping enjoyment was interrupted by a walking, talking memory, for in the isle ahead of me stood one of the bullies of my childhood. I recognized his face and his voice as he spoke to his companion, but I still cannot recall his name. Surveying him from head to foot I judged that life had not been kind to this bastard from my early years. His clothing was dirty perhaps from a job best done outdoors and he was lean, but no longer strong looking to my mature eyes.<br />
<br />
My posture straightened and my shoulders squared. I am not a small man and while I am heavy there is a fair amount of muscle lurking beneath my soft cuddly exterior. I now know that the man before me would pose little or no threat to me physically.<br />
<br />
We locked eyes for the briefest of seconds, my green to his mud brown. Then he turned, walking away, still speaking to his friend. I seem to remember he always had friends with him back in the day. I think it is safe to say he most likely did not recognize me for the years have certainly taken liberty with my body. <br />
<br />
As I drove towards home later in the day I found myself thinking back to my grocery isle encounter. I entertained and enjoyed the thought that in that briefest of stares he saw a man he did not want to trifle with.<br />
<br />
He also never knew he was a Nano second away from the beating he should have gotten 33 years ago.H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-41826447289402602302015-06-13T16:48:00.000-07:002015-06-13T16:48:36.638-07:00<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Today was a rough day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I spent a good portion of the
day in bed. I didn’t sleep and I wasn’t having sex. I recently read that one
way to deal with very strong emotions was to go ahead and experience them
without acting on them as opposed to bottling them up or holding them back
until they explode. The chapter I read this from was specific to jealousy, but
ended by saying many strong emotions could be dealt with in this way. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Therefore, I lay in bed and I
suffered. This strong emotion washed over me, it filled me, and it crushed me. At
times today, I knew that I was dying, that no one, especially a weak coward
like me, could survive this. I did not
die. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I do not know how long I
cried, but it felt never ending…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">until it ended. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Once the crying was done, the
emotional junk washed out, I laid there and thought, I reexamined where I was in life and where I was going. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I thought of what I wanted
and what I was willing to do to achieve it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I thought of past wrongs and
future redemptions, quality of life as opposed to quantity of life, and I thought
of despair oddly mixed with hope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Sometimes when you are rebuilding
something it is not only easier, but also better to just strip everything down
to the foundation, make sure it is sound, and then begin construction. I am
trying to rebuild a life that I have spent decades doing shoddy work on. I have
not educated myself and feel it is too late to correct that, I have no ambition
for my career I am as high as I am likely to go on my own, and I have failed at
two marriages, both of which I probably could have salvaged (or at least not
given up so easily). <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">Looking back on that kind of
life there is no wonder I never wanted a long life. I used to joke that I’d be
dead by 45, well I’m 47. Not all that long ago I would have told you I’d be ok
if I only lasted or survived another 10 years because all I was doing was
surviving. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">I want to live not just survive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14.0pt;">My strong emotion session is
over for now and I cannot tell you I am completely better or stronger. I
certainly can’t say that I will not have to face that beast again, but I can
tell you I am still here and I am okay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-57478342180283054332015-05-29T04:14:00.000-07:002015-05-29T04:14:20.212-07:00<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today I am forty-seven years old. I have spent 17,155 days,
564 months, and 2,444 weekends in this life.
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I cannot say I have spent them wisely, but I will say I have
spent them well. I have spent them in the company of friends, in pursuit of
laughter, and I have had the honor of spending my time with some of the most
beautiful women. Those women who were and are way out of my league, whose smile
could light a room, and whose sweat soaked embrace is a memory I will forever
cherish.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have not educated myself, I have not become the man many
say I have the potential to be, and I have not reproduced. What I have done is,
I have raised a fine son who continues to welcome me in his life and I have
touched lives, while these fleeting moments fade, I like to think for that
short time I made a difference. Most people strive to make a lasting change in
this world, while I have accepted that what I have done in this world is
ephemeral and it will fade as simply and quietly as I will.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The first writing of this piece spoke of my doubt as to my
self-worth, but that was not what I wanted to express so I have started over.
It sometimes feels as if I have started life over several times, improving just
a bit each time. My sense of self-worth is strongest when I am with those
people who value me, whether I completely understand their reasons or not. Why
then do I struggle to carry that with me when I am alone?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That is my task in this 47<sup>th</sup> year of life to see
myself the way those that love me best see me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To have faith in those few that have sought only my
well-being. Even if I can’t be first in their priorities at this point in time,
I can be someone of value to them, to her. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A therapy intern recently said to me if I can find no worth
in me how can I expect anyone else to find worth in me? That statement shook me
to my foundations, but those that already find worth in me have rebuilt that
foundation. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now I need to build upon that…in the next 1 year, 52 weeks,
365 days…<o:p></o:p></div>
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-13066025797226461552015-05-16T14:41:00.001-07:002015-05-16T14:41:30.201-07:00Foundations<div class="MsoNormal">
I have been down lately, ok I’m down a lot of the time, but
here recently I have been extra down. The
issue was that one of my solid foundation relationships wasn’t so solid anymore
and apparently had been a bit shaky even prior to this. My girlfriend, a source
of light and love for me, and I were having issues. Due to our circumstances,
we were carrying out this ‘spat,’ our first one in this relationship,
via text. It was not going so well. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was sure I was losing her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And it scared me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No one wants to be the needy partner and few people want a
needy partner. Yet here I was being needy. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am oh so happy to say that today we were able to finally speak
about our issues via phone and we have begun our path to recovery. I am also
proud that we ‘argued’ like mature, civilized people, like people who have been
hurt in other relationships and want more from this one. We did not name call,
we did not play the blame game, and we stuck to the issue at hand by not citing
past issues unless they had some relevance. We each expressed how we were
feeling now and how we wanted to feel in the future. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In not playing the blame game, we simply accepted the
situation for what it is, no matter how we got here, and then discussed how we
want to proceed from here. Were there tears? Yes. Was there some pain? Yes
(caused most IMHO by the crossed signal/messages via text). <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have both owned our portions of the issue, we have both
agreed to compromises, and we have both reaffirmed our love for one another. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today is looking like a much better day.<o:p></o:p></div>
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-78876446539963697282014-12-31T11:34:00.003-08:002014-12-31T11:34:46.861-08:00My strategy for 2015…<br />
<br />
In years past, I have made the wildly unattainable resolutions, the no resolutions resolution, and the vague and easily attainable resolutions. None of them made me any happier, even if I was able to attain them.<br />
<br />
So how will I proceed in 2015? What strategy will I use? There’s the key word ‘strategy’.<br />
This year my strategy is to construct my resolutions so they are attainable, but not too easily so as to steal the positive feelings of a goal achieved. I also want them to overlap so that I am improving in more than one area of my life at any given time..<br />
<br />
I intend to lead a more healthful life by:<br />
• This year I will cook more homemade (less processed) meals. While paleo and clean eating may be asking too much of me, I can certainly improve from where I currently am.<br />
• I will move more and sit less (especially at home). This is doable since any action would currently be an improvement.<br />
• I will exercise more control of my sleeping habits (become more of a routine, 1030 to 6).<br />
• I will drink fewer sodas (anyone can do less, right?).<br />
• I will have a spring, summer, and fall garden (gets me outside moving and produces good food).<br />
<br />
I intend to have more control of my depression than I currently do by:<br />
• Practicing my counter-depression techniques (correcting negative thoughts, noticing when I find something enjoyable no matter how fleeting, and setting myself up to experience those things I find uplifting ).<br />
• Moving more and getting more sunshine see bullets 2 &5 from the above list (Ooo see what I did there? Using my multi-beneficial techniques!)<br />
• Improve on my sleep habits (See bullet 3 from above list. Yep! I did it again).<br />
• I will let go of those things (dreams, desires, or wishes) that have always led to regrets for me. To acknowledge where I am in my life and that there are things I will never achieve, dreams I will not realize, and desires I will never know.<br />
• Practice gratitude.<br />
<br />
I intend to improve my living situation by:<br />
• Having a garden (see bullet 5 from the above list).<br />
• Cleaning the kitchen and bathroom daily.<br />
• Organizing my office weekly.<br />
• Getting rid of the things (possessions) I do not use. This year I will be the king of reuse, recycle, repurpose, or donate/discard. (heavy on the donate/discard)<br />
• General house clean up weekly.<br />
• Painting. Paint is cheap (relatively speaking and will keep me busy all weekend, which means less sitting).<br />
• Yard work, yard work, yard work (again less sitting).<br />
<br />
I intend to improve my financial situation by:<br />
• Being more mindful of where my money is going.<br />
• Continuing my search for a second job.<br />
• Spending less on food (see garden and homemade meals).<br />
<br />
My hope and desire is to move toward what I conceive as a better life. One that is also attainable by me.<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-43659646311666589232014-08-01T08:40:00.000-07:002016-01-27T13:02:19.583-08:00I watched a B grade movie last night (surprise) and at one point, I found myself thinking deeper thoughts than I really wanted to. In the movie a high school student’s father dies (shot by CIA operatives) and as the light in his eyes fades, she begins to wail. At that moment, all I could think was that for the entire movie to this point she showed nothing but disdain for her father, she did things to embarrass him, jeopardize his career goals, and showed No affection for him at all. Yet, after he dies, she wails and cries as if something important has been taken from her.<br />
<br />
Why is it that we as people tend to fall into this cycle of treating those closest to us, our loved ones, so roughly, with such contempt on a daily basis yet if they were to be taken from us either by illness or a CIA bullet, we mourn deeply for the loss in our life. <br />
<br />
Wouldn’t life be sweeter if we treated each of our loved ones as if this were their last day on Earth? How would we treat others if it were our last day on Earth? To treat each day as our last may change our outlook completely. I have a friend that works in the hospice industry and her company shared a list of the things people typically regret at the end of life. That list includes, "not spending enough quality time with family and friends." How would this world change if we all, as Tim McGraw sang it, “lived like you were dying.”<br />
<br />
So before you act in a way that is contrary to how you feel (IE acting hateful or hurtful towards someone you love) think of what you would want to say or do for their last day alive. <br />
It may change how you act, hell it may change how you live.H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-6625495809054848712014-07-22T09:47:00.000-07:002014-07-22T09:47:10.280-07:00The Summer of 2014, so far…<br />
<br />
I have to say I am disappointed. This was to be a summer of affirmations for me, a time when I did ‘it’ because I wanted to, because I was able to do ‘it’ on my own.<br />
However, the summer quickly turned into me not doing ‘it’ because I did not really want to and I am no longer accountable to anyone. There is no consequence (IE letting a loved one down) except my own regret or guilt, which has never motivated me into anything.<br />
<br />
I did the goal setting, with at least one deadline. I had several big projects lined up, a plan to work outside in the morning when my ‘energy’ is highest and chill/organize the house in the afternoons. Nothing has been done.<br />
<br />
I wanted to write this summer in vast quantities, even if it was just to get a jumpstart on my weekly ‘tongue-in-cheek’ newsletter for the school year…here I am more than half way through the summer and this is the first I have written (I’m avoiding cleaning the kitchen by writing this).<br />
<br />
On my bathroom mirror is a self-directive statement, which says, “Get your house in order.” Yet I have not gotten ‘my house in order’.<br />
<br />
What is the secret to motivation, in particular self-motivation? I say I want ‘X’, I make goals with deadlines for ‘X’, and I set daily reminders…but ‘X’ has not been achieved. On more than one occasion, I have written that achievement never gave me that inner glow of pride, for me it is the planning and the process I enjoy, maybe the one trait that makes me a good team member. While I do not enjoy achievement, I apparently dislike not meeting my goals too, just not enough to get up and do them.<br />
<br />
I have shared about my struggles with depression (some would say whined) and I must concede that the big D has played a part in all this. This summer was to be a game changer: divorce, only one job with the summer off, and relearning to stand on my own feet. <br />
As Nickleback sang, “This life hasn’t turned out quite the way I want it to be.” <br />
At one low point I considered inpatient care (therapy was too dependent on me to do the self-work unsupervised) but like weekly therapy I found inpatient options to be too cost prohibitive, besides who would feed the dogs (the dogs are a good excuse not to do a lot of things). <br />
<br />
Where to from here? <br />
Reassess my goals and deadlines? <br />
Reassess my life plan? (That is a huge issue, what plan?)<br />
<br />
This muddling through life is not always easy and sometimes it is down right messy.<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-18933407107527826042014-02-16T11:06:00.000-08:002014-02-16T11:06:09.324-08:00<br />
A better version….<br />
<br />
<br />
I am beginning to learn something I wished I had learned decades ago. I don’t have to be better than you (no one in particular), don’t have to prove anything to you (again no one in particular, different for everyone). Let me brake it down in this way, I don’t have to be stronger than the guy next to me in the gym, I don’t have to be smarter than the person next to me in the classroom, and I don’t have to be more spiritual than the person next to me in church. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, not my father, my brothers, my friends, my co-workers, or my children.<br />
<br />
I only have to be better than I was yesterday.<br />
I only have to prove some things to myself.<br />
I only need to strive to become a better version of myself.<br />
<br />
Now to determine what is a better version of me and act upon it, I find myself looking to role models. Tony Robbins (self-help guru of the 80's and 90's) highly suggests finding the top people in the areas of life you want to improve in and emulate them. Not to be them or beat them, but to improve yourself. <br />
<br />
Role models can from so many places, friends, congregation members, and even fiction. When I think of the pinnacle father archetype that I wanted to be like I thought of my dad, I thought of Wilford Brimley in Our Family, and the father on the Waltons.<br />
When I want to be the best friend I can be, I think of those great friends I found in literature, Frodo and Samwise, or Silk and Barak, or Rand and Matt and Perrin. When I want to be a better man, I can look to friends that embody those characteristics I want to improve and I can again look to fiction in the form of Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly, or Strider (Aragorn) in LOTR, or Belgarion in the Belgariad (seriously you people should read these).<br />
<br />
Once we have our role model, whoever it is, then we must act.<br />
<br />
One of the things I was lucky enough to learn early in my career was try to objectively to see what is right for this student in this place at this time. <br />
I need to give myself that same consideration, what is right for me, in this place at this time. I cannot begin from anywhere other than where I am. In my physical fitness, I cannot begin Olympic level training I simply must start with what I can do. The same applies to all other areas as well…I must start from where I am at and simply try to improve a little every day. <br />
<br />
<br />
It sounds so simple. <br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-3230595984681717572013-12-29T12:01:00.002-08:002013-12-29T12:01:42.417-08:00Work...hmmmWhoever said, “hard work builds character” may have been a genius…<br />
<br />
The work I did today, I did the hard way…rake, shovel, and bucket. <br />
I quickly appreciated that I was able to do it. I have two strong arms, one good shoulder, one good knee, and a pretty good back. <br />
I have always believed in working smarter not harder (funny since I never educated myself), but today I buckled down and did something hard for a few hours. <br />
I’m not sure anyone of you could tell what I did unless you have been here recently, hell I don’t think before and after pics would have made you understand (besides I have no camera right now)….but for those that have been here recently and for me, the difference is easily seen. <br />
I had to be careful not to look around too much or I would start seeing all the work that is still to be done. I also had to be careful not to think too much because my mind can be a dark and scary place at times.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I still have a long way to go, but what I did today did make a difference…for me. <br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-72008827089986639422013-11-22T11:19:00.001-08:002013-11-22T11:19:55.874-08:00Looking ahead...<br />
<br />
“The only constant in life is change…” <br />
I don’t know who said this but he’s a genius. Life is not static it is dynamic even if you don’t lead a dynamic life. For me and my mediocre life, change has come once again. My second marriage has failed or rather I failed at my second marriage and now I am looking at a life alone.<br />
<br />
Personally I have wasted years looking behind me and focusing on my regrets, now I am forced to look ahead and stop running on ‘auto-pilot’, only because I am not ready to lie down and surrender just yet.<br />
<br />
What’s next for me? As Ned Stark reminds us, “Winter is coming!” My plan is to snuggle in for the winter, work my 2 jobs, hang out with my dogs (and cats) while I do some soul searching.<br />
<br />
What does the next chapter of my life look like?<br />
Do I sell my home?<br />
Do I quit the jobs I hate and walk the Appalachian Trail like Yo-yo Wilson?<br />
Do I hike around the world? Visit friends in Costa Rica?<br />
Maybe move to Alaska and lose myself in a vast wilderness (while one still exists)?<br />
Perhaps I will enact my plans for world domination or locate the secret island of red haired bombshells who long for older, portly, bald men.<br />
<br />
I guess my life is still full of possibilities. The question then becomes will I continue to fail to take advantage of them? Will I live or merely exist? <br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-76961336346371379612013-11-21T10:27:00.002-08:002013-11-21T10:27:22.133-08:00A dream remembered….<br />
<br />
Recently I was sitting at TRF with an ailing friend, watching a show and enjoying the performers when I was struck with the return of a high school day dream (no Heather not that one it was answered later in life) of how I wanted my life to go. Watching these bawdy performers I remembered wanting that life, a life of fun, a life free of drudgery and mind numbing minutia.<br />
<br />
Some would caution that the bohemian lifestyle isn't likely to be lucrative. To them I counter neither is my current, mediocre lifestyle. Can you imagine a work comprised of jokes (mostly bawdy), songs, and laughter?<br />
I used to imagine it often as it was one of my favorite daydreams (right next to that other one, Khristie). When did I stop picturing that life for me? I have released many dreams that were not responsible, reasonable, or realistic. I consciously let go of those dreams. The imagined joy of a life savored by TRF entertainers was one that simply faded without complaint or notice.<br />
<br />
So as I smile and laugh while enjoying Sound and Fury’s performance of “Testiceles and the Sac of Rome” in the Shakespearean style, I may not just be smiling at their antics, but also at a dream remembered.<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-37209266921945303202013-08-16T22:43:00.002-07:002013-08-17T07:02:24.070-07:00<br />
Recently I wanted to revamp my Bucket List, so I searched Pinterest for ideas and inspirations to add to my new and improved Bucket List. What I found was a bunch of lists for seasonal activities i.e. “My Summer Bucket List”. This did not strike me as a good way to express one’s aspirations for their achievements prior to their death. Apparently the Bucket List has become a to do list for one’s vacation.<br />
<br />
<br />
Not being satisfied with this I reexamined my list and attempted a deeper, more thoughtful approach, so gone are the superficial, selfish, and materialistic goals from my End of Life List.<br />
<br />
<br />
My endeavors shall include:<br />
• To live honestly ( not so easy sometimes)<br />
• To give my best effort to all tasks at hand (not just the effort I think they deserve…do my best in all things)<br />
• To raise a child (or 30) in the manner I would want to be raised (done)<br />
• To find redeeming qualities in all areas of my life (Personal, Social, Career, etc…)<br />
• To give of myself to those in need (my time, my money, and even my blood)<br />
• To get a tattoo (selfish I know)<br />
<br />
<br />
Have I altered what maybe on your End of Life List??? Please share with me…<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-77356795794523600062013-06-05T09:26:00.000-07:002013-06-05T09:26:26.576-07:00When we're done muddling... Recently a co-worker of mine passed away. While we did not work side by side, her job allowed for some interaction with my position. She was always a pleasant enough person and I liked her. For us at work her death was sudden and unexpected, I cannot speculate if her family knew of her pending demise. I arrived at work one Friday to hear that she had passed that Wednesday and there would be a memorial for her at work on Saturday.<br />
<br />
I did not attend her memorial, but rather chose to watch the dorm and allow other co-workers to attend with the residents that wanted to go. Afterwards I listened as others spoke of her and as days passed I noticed a sad fact of life. It did not change significantly for most everyone there. I can assume life changed for her family, but for apparently everyone else it just went on. It took maybe three days for people to stop even mentioning her passing.<br />
<br />
The sad realization is that, while we may want or envision crowds of mourners wailing, keening, and sobbing; forever saddened by our passing, very few will most likely be affected by our death. They may say, it wasn’t his time, he was taken too early, or she will be missed, but very little will change in any measurable way. We are transient beings destined to die from the moment of birth, filling the time between with paying bills and worrying what someone else may think of us.<br />
<br />
When my time comes to shuffle off this mortal coil I now know that those closest to me will mourn, working through those five steps in their own time and manner, but the rest of the world will barely notice my absence. That realization helps me put in perspective whom I should be concerned with while I am still among the living. <br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-10041784273461922302013-04-17T11:17:00.001-07:002013-04-17T11:17:44.092-07:00A heart felt thank you…<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I muddle through life important moments and/or feelings
come and go (as in all your lives too, I hope). I recently realized that I am guilty of
letting important things go unsaid. I guess some part of me believes that
everyone involved knows how I feel in these moments. I also must admit that I wonder
if calling attention to it somehow cheapens the experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Be that as it may, I want to say thank you. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">These past few
years have been rough on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I am
tired and exhausted, facing burnout from having two jobs, staring into a dark
world of depression, or questioning my relevance in this life I have always
found solace in time spent with YOU.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Whether you and I share comments on a funny meme, flirt
outrageously, or instant message lamenting the state of our country our
interactions have served to lighten my mood. In you, I have found moments that
make me smile and chase the clouds from the sky. </span><span style="font-family: 'Comic Sans MS'; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Even if I am dealing with depressive issues, overwhelming feelings
of powerlessness, or a zit in an unfortunate location you have seen me through
to the other side.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So to you, my friend, that :<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Shares a funny meme with me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Comments on my comment<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Flirts with me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Laughs at my corny jokes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">‘pokes’ me over and over again<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Calls me on my ‘BS’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Exposes me to sexy pics<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Debates the existence of Sasquatch, which does
exist!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Is sexy and acknowledges my existence<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Plays the innuendo game with me<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Shares some of your limited time in this world
with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Comic Sans MS"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Thank You from the bottom of my heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-32822632188392227532013-01-26T14:27:00.000-08:002013-01-26T14:27:01.304-08:00Time is running out…<br />
It’s approximately sixteen weeks to my birthday, at which time I will turn forty-five years old. Looking back on the two thousand three hundred and twenty-four weekends I have had I don’t know if I used them well. A small portion of them generated wonderful memories, but many of them were spent working for others, which is never a good way to spend a weekend.<br />
<br />
If I take the median age of my parents (80 and 86) I could live to 83 (although my brother passed at 49) giving me approximately 1992 more weekends. I should take ten years of weekends off (-520) because we all know old people spend all weekend the restroom, leaving me with 1472 weekends to make some great memories. Will I squander these weekends the way I have wasted so many in the past?<br />
<br />
What should my plan for using these weekends to their fullest potential? For the foreseeable future I will still be working, but maybe I can squeeze some meaning out of the weekends before I go to work. Should I do projects? Should I visit friends and laugh? Should make them all about family? Most likely a combination of all the above would make the most sense.<br />
<br />
As I muddle through life, I will attempt to not sleep in on the weekends anymore but to get projects done, enjoy family time, and spend time among friends before going to work. A recent article on fighting depression specifically mentioned keeping social ties strong as opposed to isolating one’s self. Who knows I may just call you, reader, and say, “let’s do lunch or dinner.”<br />
<br />
How many weekends do you have left? What’s your plan to spend them wisely?<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-11613407987634600342013-01-09T07:22:00.003-08:002013-01-09T07:22:44.912-08:00Approaching an End…<br />
As I muddle through life it is inevitable that I, like everyone, must face endings in various and sundry things. For example the end of a relationship either via breakup, personal drift, or even death, could be the end of a movie, or the end of a career (or job placement change). No matter whom we are or where we are in life change will happen and with change comes endings.<br />
<br />
For me, I see an approaching ending. For the past decade and a half I have been reading a wonderful series of books by Robert Jordan and I recently purchased the fourteenth and final book in that series. Even as I start this book, I know that the end is at hand. Robert Jordan has passed away, one way or another the series will be resolved, and I will no longer be able to peeking on the lives of these characters.<br />
Will I miss them? Yes.<br />
I have missed characters from a book series before.<br />
<br />
Will I morn that loss? Perhaps.<br />
In my own way I will grieve for the loss of those relationships. In no way am intending to say that losing a loved one is as mundane as finishing a series of books, similar but of differing intensities.<br />
<br />
Will I feel achievement at having completed a series many have abandoned half way through or having read more than 13,000 pages in the process? No.<br />
I do not feel accomplishment like others do; instead I will look back on the ‘journey’ or ‘adventure’ I enjoyed while reading this series.<br />
I am not the same person I was a decade and a half ago.<br />
<br />
Whatever becomes of Rand, Mat, Perrin, Elayne, Egwene, Nynaeve, Lan, or Siuan I will miss them as if they were absent friends.<br />
<br />
<br />
Of course most endings are followed by new beginnings, whom shall I meet next and what adventure will they lead me on?<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-24436516519823762702012-12-01T14:24:00.001-08:002012-12-02T08:04:42.099-08:00A Personal Loss…<br />
<br />
I don’t remember the date, but the occasion that gathered the family was the celebration of the boy’s girlfriend’s birthdays (both the first week October). We were gathered at my home for Barbeque and togetherness and even though I do not remember the date I do remember the exact moment that some magic left my world. I was walking on the deck towards the stairs that lead to the yard and the barbeque pits beyond, when movement caught my eye.<br />
<br />
As the setting sun’s angled rays cast small shadows east of everything in the yard, I saw a small white flower move. It bent down to one side for a second and then stood up straight again and the flower next to it then bent over ever so slightly, and then the next and so on. My absolute first thought was that if I were in the company of a young child, especially a girl (maybe a granddaughter- someday) I could describe the small fairy that is moving through the yard, her ephemeral gown spun from spider silk, her silvery wings moving too fast to be seen clearly, and perhaps she hums softly to herself as she makes her way through the yard. <br />
<br />
As I pondered this wee fey moving across my property, a small, dark, and malignant corner of my mind whispered, “Hobby, it’s just a bee going flower to flower too far away to see anything but the flowers moving.” <br />
<br />
In that instance some of the magic left my world, the rationalization of what was happening stole some of the enchantment that has colored all of my life.<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-3737876334701832932012-09-04T15:27:00.001-07:002012-09-04T15:27:34.817-07:00Things…<br />
<br />
A poster at work reads, “The best things in life aren’t things.” <br />
As sometimes occurs, I began thinking about this which led to me wanting to write about it. I understand that the point being made is that possessions are not the best things in life, but I would say that is not always true. <br />
I decided I would put together a list of the Best Things in Life:<br />
• The Smile or Laugh of a Loved One.<br />
• The Curve of a Woman’s Body.<br />
• Warm Banana Nut Bread.<br />
• Savoring a good meal.<br />
• An Evening Spent Among Friends.<br />
• Flirting.<br />
• Thunderstorms.<br />
• Mead.<br />
• Cleavage.<br />
• Watching the young play (children, kittens, or puppies).<br />
• Health of body and mind.<br />
• The Smell of Horses.<br />
• The Anticipation of a First Kiss.<br />
• The Internet.<br />
• The Loyalty, Love, Companionship of an Old Dog.<br />
• Being the Reason Someone Sighs or Moans in Pleasure.<br />
<br />
There it is my list of the “Best Things in Life” in no certain order (any who knows me, knows cleavage would be ranked higher), it is not exhaustive (I could added many more desserts) and as you can see this list does indeed include some “things.” In our search for the Best Life has to offer we must all decide just what that is, finer things, exclusivity, urban nightlife, or rural peacefulness. Do not begrudge anyone (including a spouse) if their list is different instead be accepting and interested in the wonderful diversity.<br />
H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-29873715960800595772012-08-01T08:42:00.000-07:002012-08-01T08:42:15.831-07:00Connections…<br />
<br />
Studies are indicating that we (people, society) are not forming the close friendships than we were a generation ago, despite having access to more “friends” due to social media. As I understand it texting and ‘facebooking’ have made the majority of our friendships superficial. I mean really of my 135 ‘friends’ on facebook, how many truly know me? How many people need to truly know me? That’s my question. I have my deep friendships and family connections that are enhanced by social media, so what if the rest are “superficial.” <br />
<br />
My deep friends and family keep me grounded and somewhat provide the belief that someone really knows me and still likes me. I feel, strongly, that social media may not have deepened those relationships, but certainly has augmented them by allowing easier access to those friends and family. Recently my mother was hospitalized (ok, she is still in the hospital and I’m writing this just a few feet from her) and social media allowed me to keep all those close to me informed.<br />
<br />
My “superficial” friends make me smile from time to time; they share their superficial lives and interests, and expose me to ideas I would not have come up with on my own. During the above mentioned hospitalization of my mom those causal friends offered support and many well wishes, some even opened up about their own mothers moving them closer to the genuine friend category.<br />
<br />
I can say that my life has improved, even if superficially, because of social media and I am thankful for the connections it has allowed me to establish and deepen.<br />H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1377043603842844863.post-12457077379053722482012-06-27T06:35:00.000-07:002012-06-27T06:40:39.793-07:00Little exercises...During my therapy work combating depression I have been taught a few little exercises that perhaps can benefit everyone. My favorite of these exercises is noticing the little moments that make me smile or feel something besides crushing sadness; the idea is that in time I may realize that there are more moments of good feelings than I ever noticed before.<br />
<br />
Let me share some examples…<br />
<br />
As I worked on the garden fence last week, a hummingbird landed on the fence not 10 feet from me and sat there almost 5 minutes…I stopped working and just stared at this tiny, little creature.<br />
<br />
We have walking sticks (stick bugs) all over the property and I enjoy watching them from time to time, they’re just cool (and the largest bug in North America).<br />
<br />
A co-worker brought her puppy into work twice this week. The residents really love the puppy, but so do I. It is always refreshing to experience such youthful playfulness.<br />
<br />
I also keep a running tab of things I am thankful for in my daily “Muddling Through Life.” And I choose three at the end of the day as the things I am most thankful for, hopefully I may come to believe I have a blessed life. <br />
<br />
Some examples of my thankful list…<br />
<br />
Co-ed at Subway (in a hot pink sports bra and black tank top for sharing her beauty)<br />
Writing (or the release that comes from writing)<br />
Chicks (the baby chickens)<br />
Co-ed at carwash (I had to write about her)<br />
Looking up from working to find my old dog lying close by<br />
Pics of the incredible female form<br />
The sounds of Cicadas<br />
Flirting with friends<br />
Our cat<br />
Su’s laugh<br />
Pizza<br />
A good friend with a DVR<br />
Sharing my writing<br />
Puppy breath<br />
Cleavage<br />
Showers<br />
<br />
I hope that you may try these little exercises to enhance your life, even if you aren't struggling with depression.<br />
<br />
I want to thank you, reader, for allowing me to express myself and for accepting who I am. And thank you for sharing this little bit of time with me.H. Neelyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18272394749984990751noreply@blogger.com1