Time has an effect on all of us, realizing that effect can be a bit eye opening. Recently my program director in the school district texted me and asked if it would be ok to pass my number on to the Behavior program director, I said, “yes”. For those of you that don’t know I have a long and storied background in behavior management, both in and out of the school district, where I have worked for 20 years now.
Shortly after my number was passed I received a text asking if I would be interested in some extra pay hours this summer, doing what I have had good success at in the past. I responded, “No, Thank you” and then I added, “I am not that guy anymore.” You see, I used to be the guy that stepped up, met the behavioral challenge head on, and enjoyed some success at it.
However, the last ten years have taken their toll on me. At work I am currently working with my fifth supervising teacher and my fourth program director. I currently have a really good team, but that has not always been true. On top of the revolving door at work my personal life has been a bit of a roller coaster ride too...divorce, dating, bad break up, dating, and marriage. The deaths of mom, nephew, and last remaining brother leave me as the sole survivor of my immediate family...I have a niece, a nephew, and my son (and grandkids) left. I have lost friends and coworkers (I have worked two jobs for over 20 years) and extended family to Covid-19, stroke, and cancer.
When I added the line, “I am not that guy anymore” to my response I realized just how broken I am today. How far I have fallen. What’s that line, “a shadow of my former self.” I am content now to go to work, keep everyone safe, teach a little, and “meet my expectations” but I have no desire to shine. I feel broken, less than whole, and struggling to make it one more day. I’m sure this falls into my well documented depressive cycles, my MDD, and my therapy resistant depression. Whatever the diagnosis, the trauma, or the stressor the results are the same...I have changed, I am no longer that guy, and I am not the hero in this story.
