Friday, May 29, 2015

Today I am forty-seven years old. I have spent 17,155 days, 564 months, and 2,444 weekends in this life. 

I cannot say I have spent them wisely, but I will say I have spent them well. I have spent them in the company of friends, in pursuit of laughter, and I have had the honor of spending my time with some of the most beautiful women. Those women who were and are way out of my league, whose smile could light a room, and whose sweat soaked embrace is a memory I will forever cherish.

I have not educated myself, I have not become the man many say I have the potential to be, and I have not reproduced. What I have done is, I have raised a fine son who continues to welcome me in his life and I have touched lives, while these fleeting moments fade, I like to think for that short time I made a difference. Most people strive to make a lasting change in this world, while I have accepted that what I have done in this world is ephemeral and it will fade as simply and quietly as I will.

The first writing of this piece spoke of my doubt as to my self-worth, but that was not what I wanted to express so I have started over. It sometimes feels as if I have started life over several times, improving just a bit each time. My sense of self-worth is strongest when I am with those people who value me, whether I completely understand their reasons or not. Why then do I struggle to carry that with me when I am alone?

That is my task in this 47th year of life to see myself the way those that love me best see me.
To have faith in those few that have sought only my well-being. Even if I can’t be first in their priorities at this point in time, I can be someone of value to them, to her.

A therapy intern recently said to me if I can find no worth in me how can I expect anyone else to find worth in me? That statement shook me to my foundations, but those that already find worth in me have rebuilt that foundation.

Now I need to build upon that…in the next 1 year, 52 weeks, 365 days…

Saturday, May 16, 2015


I have been down lately, ok I’m down a lot of the time, but here recently I have been extra down.  The issue was that one of my solid foundation relationships wasn’t so solid anymore and apparently had been a bit shaky even prior to this. My girlfriend, a source of light and love for me, and I were having issues. Due to our circumstances, we were carrying out this ‘spat,’ our first one in this relationship, via text. It was not going so well.
I was sure I was losing her.

And it scared me.

No one wants to be the needy partner and few people want a needy partner. Yet here I was being needy.
I am oh so happy to say that today we were able to finally speak about our issues via phone and we have begun our path to recovery. I am also proud that we ‘argued’ like mature, civilized people, like people who have been hurt in other relationships and want more from this one. We did not name call, we did not play the blame game, and we stuck to the issue at hand by not citing past issues unless they had some relevance. We each expressed how we were feeling now and how we wanted to feel in the future.
In not playing the blame game, we simply accepted the situation for what it is, no matter how we got here, and then discussed how we want to proceed from here. Were there tears? Yes. Was there some pain? Yes (caused most IMHO by the crossed signal/messages via text).

We have both owned our portions of the issue, we have both agreed to compromises, and we have both reaffirmed our love for one another.

Today is looking like a much better day.