Today I am forty-seven years old. I have spent 17,155 days, 564 months, and 2,444 weekends in this life.
I cannot say I have spent them wisely, but I will say I have spent them well. I have spent them in the company of friends, in pursuit of laughter, and I have had the honor of spending my time with some of the most beautiful women. Those women who were and are way out of my league, whose smile could light a room, and whose sweat soaked embrace is a memory I will forever cherish.
I have not educated myself, I have not become the man many say I have the potential to be, and I have not reproduced. What I have done is, I have raised a fine son who continues to welcome me in his life and I have touched lives, while these fleeting moments fade, I like to think for that short time I made a difference. Most people strive to make a lasting change in this world, while I have accepted that what I have done in this world is ephemeral and it will fade as simply and quietly as I will.
The first writing of this piece spoke of my doubt as to my self-worth, but that was not what I wanted to express so I have started over. It sometimes feels as if I have started life over several times, improving just a bit each time. My sense of self-worth is strongest when I am with those people who value me, whether I completely understand their reasons or not. Why then do I struggle to carry that with me when I am alone?
That is my task in this 47th year of life to see myself the way those that love me best see me.
To have faith in those few that have sought only my well-being. Even if I can’t be first in their priorities at this point in time, I can be someone of value to them, to her.
A therapy intern recently said to me if I can find no worth in me how can I expect anyone else to find worth in me? That statement shook me to my foundations, but those that already find worth in me have rebuilt that foundation.
Now I need to build upon that…in the next 1 year, 52 weeks, 365 days…