Saturday, June 13, 2015

Today was a rough day.

I spent a good portion of the day in bed. I didn’t sleep and I wasn’t having sex. I recently read that one way to deal with very strong emotions was to go ahead and experience them without acting on them as opposed to bottling them up or holding them back until they explode. The chapter I read this from was specific to jealousy, but ended by saying many strong emotions could be dealt with in this way.

Therefore, I lay in bed and I suffered. This strong emotion washed over me, it filled me, and it crushed me. At times today, I knew that I was dying, that no one, especially a weak coward like me, could survive this.  I did not die.

I do not know how long I cried, but it felt never ending…
until it ended.

Once the crying was done, the emotional junk washed out, I laid there and thought, I reexamined  where I was in life and where I was going.
I thought of what I wanted and what I was willing to do to achieve it.
I thought of past wrongs and future redemptions, quality of life as opposed to quantity of life, and I thought of despair oddly mixed with hope.

Sometimes when you are rebuilding something it is not only easier, but also better to just strip everything down to the foundation, make sure it is sound, and then begin construction. I am trying to rebuild a life that I have spent decades doing shoddy work on. I have not educated myself and feel it is too late to correct that, I have no ambition for my career I am as high as I am likely to go on my own, and I have failed at two marriages, both of which I probably could have salvaged (or at least not given up so easily).
Looking back on that kind of life there is no wonder I never wanted a long life. I used to joke that I’d be dead by 45, well I’m 47. Not all that long ago I would have told you I’d be ok if I only lasted or survived another 10 years because all I was doing was surviving.

I want to live not just survive.

My strong emotion session is over for now and I cannot tell you I am completely better or stronger. I certainly can’t say that I will not have to face that beast again, but I can tell you I am still here and I am okay.

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