Today I am forty-seven years old. I have spent 17,155 days, 564 months, and 2,444 weekends in this life. 

I cannot say I have spent them wisely, but I will say I have spent them well. I have spent them in the company of friends, in pursuit of laughter, and I have had the honor of spending my time with some of the most beautiful women. Those women who were and are way out of my league, whose smile could light a room, and whose sweat soaked embrace is a memory I will forever cherish.

I have not educated myself, I have not become the man many say I have the potential to be, and I have not reproduced. What I have done is, I have raised a fine son who continues to welcome me in his life and I have touched lives, while these fleeting moments fade, I like to think for that short time I made a difference. Most people strive to make a lasting change in this world, while I have accepted that what I have done in this world is ephemeral and it will fade as simply and quietly as I will.

The first writing of this piece spoke of my doubt as to my self-worth, but that was not what I wanted to express so I have started over. It sometimes feels as if I have started life over several times, improving just a bit each time. My sense of self-worth is strongest when I am with those people who value me, whether I completely understand their reasons or not. Why then do I struggle to carry that with me when I am alone?

That is my task in this 47^th year of life to see myself the way those that love me best see me.

To have faith in those few that have sought only my well-being. Even if I can’t be first in their priorities at this point in time, I can be someone of value to them, to her.

A therapy intern recently said to me if I can find no worth in me how can I expect anyone else to find worth in me? That statement shook me to my foundations, but those that already find worth in me have rebuilt that foundation.

Now I need to build upon that…in the next 1 year, 52 weeks, 365 days…