Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Summer of 2014, so far…

I have to say I am disappointed. This was to be a summer of affirmations for me, a time when I did ‘it’ because I wanted to, because I was able to do ‘it’ on my own.
However, the summer quickly turned into me not doing ‘it’ because I did not really want to and I am no longer accountable to anyone. There is no consequence (IE letting a loved one down) except my own regret or guilt, which has never motivated me into anything.

I did the goal setting, with at least one deadline. I had several big projects lined up, a plan to work outside in the morning when my ‘energy’ is highest and chill/organize the house in the afternoons. Nothing has been done.

I wanted to write this summer in vast quantities, even if it was just to get a jumpstart on my weekly ‘tongue-in-cheek’ newsletter for the school year…here I am more than half way through the summer and this is the first I have written (I’m avoiding cleaning the kitchen by writing this).

On my bathroom mirror is a self-directive statement, which says, “Get your house in order.” Yet I have not gotten ‘my house in order’.

What is the secret to motivation, in particular self-motivation? I say I want ‘X’, I make goals with deadlines for ‘X’, and I set daily reminders…but ‘X’ has not been achieved. On more than one occasion, I have written that achievement never gave me that inner glow of pride, for me it is the planning and the process I enjoy, maybe the one trait that makes me a good team member. While I do not enjoy achievement, I apparently dislike not meeting my goals too, just not enough to get up and do them.

I have shared about my struggles with depression (some would say whined) and I must concede that the big D has played a part in all this. This summer was to be a game changer: divorce, only one job with the summer off, and relearning to stand on my own feet.
As Nickleback sang, “This life hasn’t turned out quite the way I want it to be.”
At one low point I considered inpatient care (therapy was too dependent on me to do the self-work unsupervised) but like weekly therapy I found inpatient options to be too cost prohibitive, besides who would feed the dogs (the dogs are a good excuse not to do a lot of things).

Where to from here?
Reassess my goals and deadlines?
Reassess my life plan? (That is a huge issue, what plan?)

This muddling through life is not always easy and sometimes it is down right messy.

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