When we're done muddling...

Recently a co-worker of mine passed away. While we did not work side by side, her job allowed for some interaction with my position. She was always a pleasant enough person and I liked her. For us at work her death was sudden and unexpected, I cannot speculate if her family knew of her pending demise. I arrived at work one Friday to hear that she had passed that Wednesday and there would be a memorial for her at work on Saturday.

I did not attend her memorial, but rather chose to watch the dorm and allow other co-workers to attend with the residents that wanted to go. Afterwards I listened as others spoke of her and as days passed I noticed a sad fact of life. It did not change significantly for most everyone there. I can assume life changed for her family, but for apparently everyone else it just went on. It took maybe three days for people to stop even mentioning her passing.

The sad realization is that, while we may want or envision crowds of mourners wailing, keening, and sobbing; forever saddened by our passing, very few will most likely be affected by our death. They may say, it wasn’t his time, he was taken too early, or she will be missed, but very little will change in any measurable way. We are transient beings destined to die from the moment of birth, filling the time between with paying bills and worrying what someone else may think of us.

When my time comes to shuffle off this mortal coil I now know that those closest to me will mourn, working through those five steps in their own time and manner, but the rest of the world will barely notice my absence. That realization helps me put in perspective whom I should be concerned with while I am still among the living.

A heart felt thank you…

As I muddle through life important moments and/or feelings come and go (as in all your lives too, I hope).  I recently realized that I am guilty of letting important things go unsaid. I guess some part of me believes that everyone involved knows how I feel in these moments. I also must admit that I wonder if calling attention to it somehow cheapens the experience.

Be that as it may, I want to say thank you. 

These past few years have been rough on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually. When I am tired and exhausted, facing burnout from having two jobs, staring into a dark world of depression, or questioning my relevance in this life I have always found solace in time spent with YOU.

Whether you and I share comments on a funny meme, flirt outrageously, or instant message lamenting the state of our country our interactions have served to lighten my mood. In you, I have found moments that make me smile and chase the clouds from the sky. Even if I am dealing with depressive issues, overwhelming feelings of powerlessness, or a zit in an unfortunate location you have seen me through to the other side.

So to you, my friend, that :

·         Shares a funny meme with me

·         Comments on my comment

·         Flirts with me

·         Laughs at my corny jokes

·         ‘pokes’ me over and over again

·         Calls me on my ‘BS’

·         Exposes me to sexy pics

·         Debates the existence of Sasquatch, which does exist!

·         Is sexy and acknowledges my existence

·         Plays the innuendo game with me

·         Shares some of your limited time in this world with me.

Thank You from the bottom of my heart.

Time is running out…

It’s approximately sixteen weeks to my birthday, at which time I will turn forty-five years old. Looking back on the two thousand three hundred and twenty-four weekends I have had I don’t know if I used them well. A small portion of them generated wonderful memories, but many of them were spent working for others, which is never a good way to spend a weekend.

If I take the median age of my parents (80 and 86) I could live to 83 (although my brother passed at 49) giving me approximately 1992 more weekends. I should take ten years of weekends off (-520) because we all know old people spend all weekend the restroom, leaving me with 1472 weekends to make some great memories. Will I squander these weekends the way I have wasted so many in the past?

What should my plan for using these weekends to their fullest potential? For the foreseeable future I will still be working, but maybe I can squeeze some meaning out of the weekends before I go to work. Should I do projects? Should I visit friends and laugh? Should make them all about family? Most likely a combination of all the above would make the most sense.

As I muddle through life, I will attempt to not sleep in on the weekends anymore but to get projects done, enjoy family time, and spend time among friends before going to work. A recent article on fighting depression specifically mentioned keeping social ties strong as opposed to isolating one’s self. Who knows I may just call you, reader, and say, “let’s do lunch or dinner.”

How many weekends do you have left? What’s your plan to spend them wisely?

Approaching an End…

As I muddle through life it is inevitable that I, like everyone, must face endings in various and sundry things. For example the end of a relationship either via breakup, personal drift, or even death, could be the end of a movie, or the end of a career (or job placement change). No matter whom we are or where we are in life change will happen and with change comes endings.

For me, I see an approaching ending. For the past decade and a half I have been reading a wonderful series of books by Robert Jordan and I recently purchased the fourteenth and final book in that series. Even as I start this book, I know that the end is at hand. Robert Jordan has passed away, one way or another the series will be resolved, and I will no longer be able to peeking on the lives of these characters.
Will I miss them? Yes.
I have missed characters from a book series before.

Will I morn that loss? Perhaps.
In my own way I will grieve for the loss of those relationships. In no way am intending to say that losing a loved one is as mundane as finishing a series of books, similar but of differing intensities.

Will I feel achievement at having completed a series many have abandoned half way through or having read more than 13,000 pages in the process? No.
I do not feel accomplishment like others do; instead I will look back on the ‘journey’ or ‘adventure’ I enjoyed while reading this series.
I am not the same person I was a decade and a half ago.

Whatever becomes of Rand, Mat, Perrin, Elayne, Egwene, Nynaeve, Lan, or Siuan I will miss them as if they were absent friends.


Of course most endings are followed by new beginnings, whom shall I meet next and what adventure will they lead me on?

A Personal Loss…

I don’t remember the date, but the occasion that gathered the family was the celebration of the boy’s girlfriend’s birthdays (both the first week October). We were gathered at my home for Barbeque and togetherness and even though I do not remember the date I do remember the exact moment that some magic left my world. I was walking on the deck towards the stairs that lead to the yard and the barbeque pits beyond, when movement caught my eye.

As the setting sun’s angled rays cast small shadows east of everything in the yard, I saw a small white flower move. It bent down to one side for a second and then stood up straight again and the flower next to it then bent over ever so slightly, and then the next and so on. My absolute first thought was that if I were in the company of a young child, especially a girl (maybe a granddaughter- someday) I could describe the small fairy that is moving through the yard, her ephemeral gown spun from spider silk, her silvery wings moving too fast to be seen clearly, and perhaps she hums softly to herself as she makes her way through the yard.

As I pondered this wee fey moving across my property, a small, dark, and malignant corner of my mind whispered, “Hobby, it’s just a bee going flower to flower too far away to see anything but the flowers moving.”

In that instance some of the magic left my world, the rationalization of what was happening stole some of the enchantment that has colored all of my life.

Things…

A poster at work reads, “The best things in life aren’t things.”
As sometimes occurs, I began thinking about this which led to me wanting to write about it. I understand that the point being made is that possessions are not the best things in life, but I would say that is not always true.
I decided I would put together a list of the Best Things in Life:
• The Smile or Laugh of a Loved One.
• The Curve of a Woman’s Body.
• Warm Banana Nut Bread.
• Savoring a good meal.
• An Evening Spent Among Friends.
• Flirting.
• Thunderstorms.
• Mead.
• Cleavage.
• Watching the young play (children, kittens, or puppies).
• Health of body and mind.
• The Smell of Horses.
• The Anticipation of a First Kiss.
• The Internet.
• The Loyalty, Love, Companionship of an Old Dog.
• Being the Reason Someone Sighs or Moans in Pleasure.

There it is my list of the “Best Things in Life” in no certain order (any who knows me, knows cleavage would be ranked higher), it is not exhaustive (I could added many more desserts) and as you can see this list does indeed include some “things.” In our search for the Best Life has to offer we must all decide just what that is, finer things, exclusivity, urban nightlife, or rural peacefulness. Do not begrudge anyone (including a spouse) if their list is different instead be accepting and interested in the wonderful diversity.

Connections…

Studies are indicating that we (people, society) are not forming the close friendships than we were a generation ago, despite having access to more “friends” due to social media. As I understand it texting and ‘facebooking’ have made the majority of our friendships superficial. I mean really of my 135 ‘friends’ on facebook, how many truly know me? How many people need to truly know me? That’s my question. I have my deep friendships and family connections that are enhanced by social media, so what if the rest are “superficial.”

My deep friends and family keep me grounded and somewhat provide the belief that someone really knows me and still likes me. I feel, strongly, that social media may not have deepened those relationships, but certainly has augmented them by allowing easier access to those friends and family. Recently my mother was hospitalized (ok, she is still in the hospital and I’m writing this just a few feet from her) and social media allowed me to keep all those close to me informed.

My “superficial” friends make me smile from time to time; they share their superficial lives and interests, and expose me to ideas I would not have come up with on my own. During the above mentioned hospitalization of my mom those causal friends offered support and many well wishes, some even opened up about their own mothers moving them closer to the genuine friend category.

I can say that my life has improved, even if superficially, because of social media and I am thankful for the connections it has allowed me to establish and deepen.