Connections…

Studies are indicating that we (people, society) are not forming the close friendships than we were a generation ago, despite having access to more “friends” due to social media. As I understand it texting and ‘facebooking’ have made the majority of our friendships superficial. I mean really of my 135 ‘friends’ on facebook, how many truly know me? How many people need to truly know me? That’s my question. I have my deep friendships and family connections that are enhanced by social media, so what if the rest are “superficial.”

My deep friends and family keep me grounded and somewhat provide the belief that someone really knows me and still likes me. I feel, strongly, that social media may not have deepened those relationships, but certainly has augmented them by allowing easier access to those friends and family. Recently my mother was hospitalized (ok, she is still in the hospital and I’m writing this just a few feet from her) and social media allowed me to keep all those close to me informed.

My “superficial” friends make me smile from time to time; they share their superficial lives and interests, and expose me to ideas I would not have come up with on my own. During the above mentioned hospitalization of my mom those causal friends offered support and many well wishes, some even opened up about their own mothers moving them closer to the genuine friend category.

I can say that my life has improved, even if superficially, because of social media and I am thankful for the connections it has allowed me to establish and deepen.

Little exercises...

During my therapy work combating depression I have been taught a few little exercises that perhaps can benefit everyone. My favorite of these exercises is noticing the little moments that make me smile or feel something besides crushing sadness; the idea is that in time I may realize that there are more moments of good feelings than I ever noticed before.

Let me share some examples…

As I worked on the garden fence last week, a hummingbird landed on the fence not 10 feet from me and sat there almost 5 minutes…I stopped working and just stared at this tiny, little creature.

We have walking sticks (stick bugs) all over the property and I enjoy watching them from time to time, they’re just cool (and the largest bug in North America).

A co-worker brought her puppy into work twice this week. The residents really love the puppy, but so do I. It is always refreshing to experience such youthful playfulness.

I also keep a running tab of things I am thankful for in my daily “Muddling Through Life.” And I choose three at the end of the day as the things I am most thankful for, hopefully I may come to believe I have a blessed life.

Some examples of my thankful list…

Co-ed at Subway (in a hot pink sports bra and black tank top for sharing her beauty)
Writing (or the release that comes from writing)
Chicks (the baby chickens)
Co-ed at carwash (I had to write about her)
Looking up from working to find my old dog lying close by
Pics of the incredible female form
The sounds of Cicadas
Flirting with friends
Our cat
Su’s laugh
Pizza
A good friend with a DVR
Sharing my writing
Puppy breath
Cleavage
Showers

I hope that you may try these little exercises to enhance your life, even if you aren't struggling with depression.

I want to thank you, reader, for allowing me to express myself and for accepting who I am. And thank you for sharing this little bit of time with me.

Stories from Our Lives…

A poster at one of my work places states, “Life is for Making Memories.” I would change it to say, “Life is for Making Quality Memories to Savor in Old Age.” So that when we are sitting in our wheelchairs in the twilight of our lives forgotten in some run down nursing facility we have something worth reflecting on. When I first started this I was concerned that I was lacking in quality memories to relive as I sit, urine soaked, in my “golden years.” However as I took the time to look back, searching for those misty edged visions that make me smile, I began to remember several wonderful little glimpses from my youth…
I was young, still in my teens, and for some unknown reason I was not driving my ’69 Mustang, but rather my mom’s Oldsmobile Delta ’88, a huge tank-like vehicle in a color slightly brighter than OD green.

And I had a date.

She was a beautiful, petite, young woman with a stunning smile.
We had started as classmates moving towards friends and I hoped we would become much more.
I was nervous and I wanted it all to go well.
I don’t remember our plans for that evening or even if we followed through on those plans. Were we planning some night swimming at Flat Rock Dam? Hoping to catch a movie? Hanging with friends? Or just being together?
I do remember picking her up from her mom’s apartment high on the side of a hill, Mountain View Apartments, maybe?
I visited with her mom and little brother before w took off for those mysterious plans. As we headed into “town” I realized needed to fuel the ‘beast’ so I stopped at a convenience store, Circle K I think, the very store that shows up in several of my misadventures.
After gassing up my mom’s land-barge, my date and I walked into the store to get sodas and to pay for the fuel. Reaching into my back pocket my heart froze, my wallet was at home. I had wanted everything to go so well and be so nice that I had…

I’m embarrassed to say…

Moistened my cash with a spray bottle and ironed the dollars flat and crisp and after folding everything neatly in half I hadn’t returned my wallet to my pocket.
So, on my wonderful date, I left that beautiful young woman with the stunning smile at the convenience store as collateral.

As collateral, really?

She and I dated for a while after that night, the gas station debacle was not our last date. Since I don’t recall an argument ending our relationship, I tend to believe that we drifted apart…perhaps I failed to call as often and we each found others to fill our time, but we never stopped being friends.

That is one memory that while outwardly appears negative I look back on with a fondness for it means I lived, loved, and laughed at times in my life…and who can complain about that?

Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us.
~Oscar Wilde~

The Meaning of Life...

I’ve written my thoughts on purpose in our lives, but I will summarize here by saying for some of us the purpose of life is to provide contrast to the great people of the world, a back drop if you will. Without the common person, people of importance would not stand out. As a common man I am a, somewhat, productive member of society that is to say I work and pay bills, I am a cog that keeps the economic machine working. I understand my purpose, but can I find meaning in my common life beyond being a backdrop for the great and powerful? What is the difference in a purposeful life and a meaningful life? It seems that purpose is what makes one’s life meaningful, the meaning of life being the broader theme while purpose is specific to each person.
So if living our purpose gives us meaning, then should I attempt to be the best common man I can, the perfect worker ant? I have to admit I was hoping for more. When I began writing this I understood my apparent purpose in life, but I hoped there was a way to give my life meaning, a better way.

This brings me back to my original problem, a poor purpose for my life. I wonder if one can change the purpose of their life. How would someone go about that? It seems a grand undertaking. How can a common man do something so big, so momentous? Perhaps, if we are lucky, there are life purposes that fit the common person category. As long as we are asking the tough questions, does one’s purpose make one a great person? Maybe purpose in life is variable and it is just a possible path to greatness or despair depending on one’s choices. If purpose is so liquid, perhaps it changes many times during our lives. I don’t believe we can just choose a purpose (without serious difficulty) otherwise we would all choose a spectacular purpose of greatness, but rather I believe we have to discover our purpose.

In searching out our purpose we need ground rules:
1. It should be a positive purpose (we may explore dark purposes in another article).
2. It must be realistic (I spend far too much time in fantasy as it is).
Now we have some rules so let’s look at some possible purposes in life and see what fits and is feasible.

• I was never a father, but I have been a parent and a dad. I think I did ok with that. My step-son is well on his way to being well educated and having a successful life, but more importantly he is a good man. He treats others with respect, compassion, and he doesn’t seem to need to build himself up by pulling others down.
• While I am still learning I don’t think of myself as a student. On the other end of the pendulum swing I am no scholar, but I may fit the purpose of teacher/educator.
• Some would suggest that I am a protector, that may sound very cool, but truth to tell it is such a small part of my day that I would call it a role more than a purpose.

If we are going by the largest portion of my day it is spent fantasizing, but that would make my purpose daydreaming and that is too good to be true. The next largest expenditure of my time would be direct care of my students and residents. Am I a caregiver? Is that my purpose in life? Care giving as a purpose meets our rules as it is realistic and positive (even if less than manly). It even covers many of the roles I have played in life i.e. educator, parent, protector, friend, and spouse.

So there we have it, my purpose in life is to be a common, garden variety caregiver (whether or not I enjoy it or am good at it) and thereby provide contrast to the great caregivers of the world (like Mother Theresa, Gandhi, or the Dalai Lama). I suppose I can live with that, but did we answer my need for meaning to my life?

I guess I’ll have to keep thinking about it.

A Trail though the Forest...

One of the strategies that I am supposed to employ in my struggle with depression is to notice the little moments in life that make me smile. The idea, as I understand it, is for me to realize how many times each day I am basically happy. Hopefully it will be more than I assumed it would be and it may increase in frequency as I return to the things that lighten my mood.
I have always known that I do not enjoy a sense of accomplishment when a project is done, but it now seems that I get something positive from the process of getting to the end product. Don’t get me wrong, if I am building a fence on our property I DO NOT enjoy digging postholes, rather I get more from the planning and doing than from saying, “Hey look at the fence I built.”
Maybe a better analogy would be going on a hike. Like most of us, I enjoy the hike more than finishing the trail, but I carry that over into other endeavors. I like the process more than the achievement. When my friend and I plan a trip somewhere I feel the road trip is as fulfilling as the destination.

Maybe that is the point of religion maybe leading a moral life is its own reward with or without the promise of a paradise in the afterlife, maybe…

In my career I have lamented that I rarely, if ever, make a lasting difference especially for the students I serve. Instead of wanting to improve their situation perhaps I should seek my comfort in the day to day process of getting through the day keeping my students and co-workers safe.

So as I muddle through life I am more likely to enjoy this life if I look at it as a journey to be savored rather than a series of accomplishments on my way to the grave. To remind me of this my computer background at work is a forest path…

Words Left Unsaid

One of the truths about most people is that they often leave things unsaid. Some of those things are hurtful and should be left unsaid even if they are true. Many though are not hurtful and are left unsaid because of political correctness (a plague IMHO) or because they will lead uncomfortable moments. And still others are not shared because we think/hope that those close to us already know how we feel. I once heard the question/challenge, “If you were going to die tonight what would you regret having not said?…why haven’t you said it?”

Recently I had a health scare (for me) that required a routine (for the Doctor) medical procedure. I will say that the results of that procedure look promising, but we still have to wait 7-10 days before we are sure. This procedure required that I be anesthetized and that carries with it an inherent danger, they even make you sign paperwork stating that you understand the risk. Knowing this I took time the day before the procedure to write letters to those closest to me. As we drove to the hospital I told my wife where to find these letters, just in case. Now that I have come through this “routine” procedure, my wife feels that I should go ahead and send those letters out and I agree. So I will be mailing those soon, I promise.

“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”
~Harriet Beecher Stowe~

p.s. If you don’t get a letter from me it doesn’t mean you aren’t important to me…maybe I plan to tell you in person.

The Dangers of Vacationing

We all know that today’s lifestyle is hectic and overstressed for most Americans and that vacations are supposed to relieve that pressure, but what if vacations add their own twist to that stress? Su, Alex, and I recently took a whirlwind tour of some National parks in the west. And some of what we found may have backfired on the whole “relax” idea.

Our roadtrip was for 14 days total driving through Roswell, NM on to Flagstaff, AZ for a few days. Then we avoided the wildfires and drove to Madera, CA where we stayed a few days. From there we drove to Moab, UT and then on to Colorado Springs, CO for the last days of our trip. We saw the Sun Spot, NM Grand Canyon, Lowell Observatory, Sunset Volcano, Sequoia National Park, Yosemite, Arches National park, Wolves, Cliff Dwellings, Garden of the Gods, and Pike’s Peak. We called it endurance vacationing. (See “Travel Log” on my facebook page.)

There were times we were so tired and sore that we didn’t want to do anything, but sleep.

This week on ABC World News with Diane Sawyer there was a news piece about successful vacationing. It seems that shorter more frequent trips are more beneficial to the human psyche. It was also suggested that you do not plan your trip to end the day before returning to work, instead come back a day or two earlier and relax at home before returning to the mundane grind from which you were seeking escape. The reporter also found out that vacation where we are up and moving, active, tend to build more positive feelings than holidays where we sit and soak up the sun.

The stress was there but it fades like all stress eventually. What is sticking with me is the feeling that maybe I am in the wrong place (I’ve said that before, but hey she was cute with tattoos). Born and reared in Texas I have a certain pride in my state, but maybe I wasn’t meant for Texas. When I walked among the cloud covered Sequoias, in the cool damp mountains I felt a stillness, a peace, I had not known before. Maybe that is where I was meant to be. I will go back some day hopefully many times and try to recapture that feeling…vacationing can make us long for what we never knew was there.

““Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.””