Today was a rough day.

I spent a good portion of the day in bed. I didn’t sleep and I wasn’t having sex. I recently read that one way to deal with very strong emotions was to go ahead and experience them without acting on them as opposed to bottling them up or holding them back until they explode. The chapter I read this from was specific to jealousy, but ended by saying many strong emotions could be dealt with in this way.

Therefore, I lay in bed and I suffered. This strong emotion washed over me, it filled me, and it crushed me. At times today, I knew that I was dying, that no one, especially a weak coward like me, could survive this.  I did not die.

I do not know how long I cried, but it felt never ending…

until it ended.

Once the crying was done, the emotional junk washed out, I laid there and thought, I reexamined  where I was in life and where I was going.

I thought of what I wanted and what I was willing to do to achieve it.

I thought of past wrongs and future redemptions, quality of life as opposed to quantity of life, and I thought of despair oddly mixed with hope.

Sometimes when you are rebuilding something it is not only easier, but also better to just strip everything down to the foundation, make sure it is sound, and then begin construction. I am trying to rebuild a life that I have spent decades doing shoddy work on. I have not educated myself and feel it is too late to correct that, I have no ambition for my career I am as high as I am likely to go on my own, and I have failed at two marriages, both of which I probably could have salvaged (or at least not given up so easily).

Looking back on that kind of life there is no wonder I never wanted a long life. I used to joke that I’d be dead by 45, well I’m 47. Not all that long ago I would have told you I’d be ok if I only lasted or survived another 10 years because all I was doing was surviving.

I want to live not just survive.

My strong emotion session is over for now and I cannot tell you I am completely better or stronger. I certainly can’t say that I will not have to face that beast again, but I can tell you I am still here and I am okay.

Today I am forty-seven years old. I have spent 17,155 days, 564 months, and 2,444 weekends in this life. 

I cannot say I have spent them wisely, but I will say I have spent them well. I have spent them in the company of friends, in pursuit of laughter, and I have had the honor of spending my time with some of the most beautiful women. Those women who were and are way out of my league, whose smile could light a room, and whose sweat soaked embrace is a memory I will forever cherish.

I have not educated myself, I have not become the man many say I have the potential to be, and I have not reproduced. What I have done is, I have raised a fine son who continues to welcome me in his life and I have touched lives, while these fleeting moments fade, I like to think for that short time I made a difference. Most people strive to make a lasting change in this world, while I have accepted that what I have done in this world is ephemeral and it will fade as simply and quietly as I will.

The first writing of this piece spoke of my doubt as to my self-worth, but that was not what I wanted to express so I have started over. It sometimes feels as if I have started life over several times, improving just a bit each time. My sense of self-worth is strongest when I am with those people who value me, whether I completely understand their reasons or not. Why then do I struggle to carry that with me when I am alone?

That is my task in this 47^th year of life to see myself the way those that love me best see me.

To have faith in those few that have sought only my well-being. Even if I can’t be first in their priorities at this point in time, I can be someone of value to them, to her.

A therapy intern recently said to me if I can find no worth in me how can I expect anyone else to find worth in me? That statement shook me to my foundations, but those that already find worth in me have rebuilt that foundation.

Now I need to build upon that…in the next 1 year, 52 weeks, 365 days…

Foundations

I have been down lately, ok I’m down a lot of the time, but here recently I have been extra down.  The issue was that one of my solid foundation relationships wasn’t so solid anymore and apparently had been a bit shaky even prior to this. My girlfriend, a source of light and love for me, and I were having issues. Due to our circumstances, we were carrying out this ‘spat,’ our first one in this relationship, via text. It was not going so well.

I was sure I was losing her.

And it scared me.

No one wants to be the needy partner and few people want a needy partner. Yet here I was being needy.

I am oh so happy to say that today we were able to finally speak about our issues via phone and we have begun our path to recovery. I am also proud that we ‘argued’ like mature, civilized people, like people who have been hurt in other relationships and want more from this one. We did not name call, we did not play the blame game, and we stuck to the issue at hand by not citing past issues unless they had some relevance. We each expressed how we were feeling now and how we wanted to feel in the future.

In not playing the blame game, we simply accepted the situation for what it is, no matter how we got here, and then discussed how we want to proceed from here. Were there tears? Yes. Was there some pain? Yes (caused most IMHO by the crossed signal/messages via text).

We have both owned our portions of the issue, we have both agreed to compromises, and we have both reaffirmed our love for one another.

Today is looking like a much better day.

My strategy for 2015…

In years past, I have made the wildly unattainable resolutions, the no resolutions resolution, and the vague and easily attainable resolutions. None of them made me any happier, even if I was able to attain them.

So how will I proceed in 2015? What strategy will I use? There’s the key word ‘strategy’.
This year my strategy is to construct my resolutions so they are attainable, but not too easily so as to steal the positive feelings of a goal achieved. I also want them to overlap so that I am improving in more than one area of my life at any given time..

I intend to lead a more healthful life by:
• This year I will cook more homemade (less processed) meals. While paleo and clean eating may be asking too much of me, I can certainly improve from where I currently am.
• I will move more and sit less (especially at home). This is doable since any action would currently be an improvement.
• I will exercise more control of my sleeping habits (become more of a routine, 1030 to 6).
• I will drink fewer sodas (anyone can do less, right?).
• I will have a spring, summer, and fall garden (gets me outside moving and produces good food).

I intend to have more control of my depression than I currently do by:
• Practicing my counter-depression techniques (correcting negative thoughts, noticing when I find something enjoyable no matter how fleeting, and setting myself up to experience those things I find uplifting ).
• Moving more and getting more sunshine see bullets 2 &5 from the above list (Ooo see what I did there? Using my multi-beneficial techniques!)
• Improve on my sleep habits (See bullet 3 from above list. Yep! I did it again).
• I will let go of those things (dreams, desires, or wishes) that have always led to regrets for me. To acknowledge where I am in my life and that there are things I will never achieve, dreams I will not realize, and desires I will never know.
• Practice gratitude.

I intend to improve my living situation by:
• Having a garden (see bullet 5 from the above list).
• Cleaning the kitchen and bathroom daily.
• Organizing my office weekly.
• Getting rid of the things (possessions) I do not use. This year I will be the king of reuse, recycle, repurpose, or donate/discard. (heavy on the donate/discard)
• General house clean up weekly.
• Painting. Paint is cheap (relatively speaking and will keep me busy all weekend, which means less sitting).
• Yard work, yard work, yard work (again less sitting).

I intend to improve my financial situation by:
• Being more mindful of where my money is going.
• Continuing my search for a second job.
• Spending less on food (see garden and homemade meals).

My hope and desire is to move toward what I conceive as a better life. One that is also attainable by me.

I watched a B grade movie last night (surprise) and at one point, I found myself thinking deeper thoughts than I really wanted to. In the movie a high school student’s father dies (shot by CIA operatives) and as the light in his eyes fades, she begins to wail. At that moment, all I could think was that for the entire movie to this point she showed nothing but disdain for her father, she did things to embarrass him, jeopardize his career goals, and showed No affection for him at all. Yet, after he dies, she wails and cries as if something important has been taken from her.

Why is it that we as people tend to fall into this cycle of treating those closest to us, our loved ones, so roughly, with such contempt on a daily basis yet if they were to be taken from us either by illness or a CIA bullet, we mourn deeply for the loss in our life.

Wouldn’t life be sweeter if we treated each of our loved ones as if this were their last day on Earth? How would we treat others if it were our last day on Earth? To treat each day as our last may change our outlook completely. I have a friend that works in the hospice industry and her company shared a list of the things people typically regret at the end of life. That list includes, "not spending enough quality time with family and friends." How would this world change if we all, as Tim McGraw sang it, “lived like you were dying.”

So before you act in a way that is contrary to how you feel (IE acting hateful or hurtful towards someone you love) think of what you would want to say or do for their last day alive.
It may change how you act, hell it may change how you live.

The Summer of 2014, so far…

I have to say I am disappointed. This was to be a summer of affirmations for me, a time when I did ‘it’ because I wanted to, because I was able to do ‘it’ on my own.
However, the summer quickly turned into me not doing ‘it’ because I did not really want to and I am no longer accountable to anyone. There is no consequence (IE letting a loved one down) except my own regret or guilt, which has never motivated me into anything.

I did the goal setting, with at least one deadline. I had several big projects lined up, a plan to work outside in the morning when my ‘energy’ is highest and chill/organize the house in the afternoons. Nothing has been done.

I wanted to write this summer in vast quantities, even if it was just to get a jumpstart on my weekly ‘tongue-in-cheek’ newsletter for the school year…here I am more than half way through the summer and this is the first I have written (I’m avoiding cleaning the kitchen by writing this).

On my bathroom mirror is a self-directive statement, which says, “Get your house in order.” Yet I have not gotten ‘my house in order’.

What is the secret to motivation, in particular self-motivation? I say I want ‘X’, I make goals with deadlines for ‘X’, and I set daily reminders…but ‘X’ has not been achieved. On more than one occasion, I have written that achievement never gave me that inner glow of pride, for me it is the planning and the process I enjoy, maybe the one trait that makes me a good team member. While I do not enjoy achievement, I apparently dislike not meeting my goals too, just not enough to get up and do them.

I have shared about my struggles with depression (some would say whined) and I must concede that the big D has played a part in all this. This summer was to be a game changer: divorce, only one job with the summer off, and relearning to stand on my own feet.
As Nickleback sang, “This life hasn’t turned out quite the way I want it to be.”
At one low point I considered inpatient care (therapy was too dependent on me to do the self-work unsupervised) but like weekly therapy I found inpatient options to be too cost prohibitive, besides who would feed the dogs (the dogs are a good excuse not to do a lot of things).

Where to from here?
Reassess my goals and deadlines?
Reassess my life plan? (That is a huge issue, what plan?)

This muddling through life is not always easy and sometimes it is down right messy.

A better version….


I am beginning to learn something I wished I had learned decades ago. I don’t have to be better than you (no one in particular), don’t have to prove anything to you (again no one in particular, different for everyone). Let me brake it down in this way, I don’t have to be stronger than the guy next to me in the gym, I don’t have to be smarter than the person next to me in the classroom, and I don’t have to be more spiritual than the person next to me in church. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, not my father, my brothers, my friends, my co-workers, or my children.

I only have to be better than I was yesterday.
I only have to prove some things to myself.
I only need to strive to become a better version of myself.

Now to determine what is a better version of me and act upon it, I find myself looking to role models. Tony Robbins (self-help guru of the 80's and 90's) highly suggests finding the top people in the areas of life you want to improve in and emulate them. Not to be them or beat them, but to improve yourself.

Role models can from so many places, friends, congregation members, and even fiction. When I think of the pinnacle father archetype that I wanted to be like I thought of my dad, I thought of Wilford Brimley in Our Family, and the father on the Waltons.
When I want to be the best friend I can be, I think of those great friends I found in literature, Frodo and Samwise, or Silk and Barak, or Rand and Matt and Perrin. When I want to be a better man, I can look to friends that embody those characteristics I want to improve and I can again look to fiction in the form of Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly, or Strider (Aragorn) in LOTR, or Belgarion in the Belgariad (seriously you people should read these).

Once we have our role model, whoever it is, then we must act.

One of the things I was lucky enough to learn early in my career was try to objectively to see what is right for this student in this place at this time.
I need to give myself that same consideration, what is right for me, in this place at this time. I cannot begin from anywhere other than where I am. In my physical fitness, I cannot begin Olympic level training I simply must start with what I can do. The same applies to all other areas as well…I must start from where I am at and simply try to improve a little every day.


It sounds so simple.